JSDragon0512 (6:18:37 PM): u met her
Bege611 (6:18:41 PM): I gave her a chance, she suprised me, I ended up really liking her
JSDragon0512 (6:18:47 PM): to learn to love

Maybe.... Everything happens for a reason I think. There is a very specific reason why everything happens, I've learned that the past couple years. I remember when I first moved here, I was so pissed at the world and miserable. Last summer, was possibly one of the worst times in my life, Gma got cancer, I didn't have any friends, I moved away from everything I ever knew and I was stuck in the middle of a disfunctional house. A house that was 2 houses away from my Grandma.

As the year went on, I really didn't make any friends, I still wondered what the reason for all this was. When it was all said and done, I ended up being chewed up and spit out, Gma died, Haley really dissapointed me and I was still stuck without any good friends.

Ryan Seery and I stayed friends during the summer, and into Senior year. At this time I began to realize some of the reasons I moved down here, and everything happened. The first time I really had a chance to see Christine was when her and a friend were in her room, and Ryan and I came over to do some things. I heard so many stories about her, but I never really got the chance to meet her. I always give people a chance.

Now this is what's weird. If I didn't move down here, meet Ryan Seery, move to Colington Road and stay friends with Ryan over the summer. I would have never met Christine. So many things that could have gotten in the way of that. Everything had to be completely perfect for us to meet. We would have never met otherwise. It was like a perfectly executed plan. So many things had to be perfect to make that happen.

So recently I've been wondering why I met Christine, what reason in the future may come out of everything. Maybe John was right, maybe I met her to learn how to love. Even if I do end up getting hurt, what reason may that have? I can't think of one right now. Maybe later I'll be able to figure it out. Or maybe, Christine and I will look back on this in a couple years and laugh about it, I dunno.

Until then, the one song that I think I would sing to Christine now would be....

can you sleep as the sound hits your ears one at a time?
an unspokenbalance here,
unabridged for so many years
that i should stare at receivers
to receive her isn't fair
don't worry i'll catch you
don't ever worry
your arms in mine,
anytime I wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everything
to my surprise,
before my eyes,
you arrive
don't worry I'll catch you
don't ever worry
I'm still breaking old habits,
habits when you pulled the wool over me
I can see everything,
everything remembering"jinx removing"
don't worry i'll catch you
[x2]don't ever worry
no need for reminding...you're still all that matters to me

I don't know whats going on. I want to talk to Christine, I thought maybe I could try to get over her, but since this thing started all I have done is thought about her. It's so crazy, I just want to be around her and talk to her and be there for her. I want to be her best friend, and talk to her about everything. I thought maybe this would help me get less attached but all it seems to make me do is wonder and think about her more. She wants me to get over her, and I would do anything to make her happy, and I'm trying my hardest, but I don't think it's going to happen very fast. If she wanted me to never see her or speak to her again, I would do that if it would make her happy, even though it would drive me insane. This whole thing is driving me insane.


-FIN-

Well... I wish everything could be simple and easy, but it's not. Christine and I came up with the idea to talk as little as possible over the next week or so, and see how both of us feel after that. It's a good idea, it'll make alot of things visible. If we both go crazy, then that'll tell us alot. I know I talk to her about everything, and we are best friends, it'll be interesting to see what happens, or if anything changes.

I'm trying so hard right now not get completely devistated. I guess I'll just build that little wall just in case. I really do like her alot, but I don't know how much more of this I can really handle before I break. It's hard to tell at this point. I just hope everything goes well.

Im so scared. The reason why is, I know I've set myself up to be hurt. I just hope it doesn't happen. I am so afraid it might though. Even though I keep telling myself to quit trying, I don't stop trying for some reason. I am so worried. I know that Christine would never hurt me to be mean, or do it on purpose. At the same time though, it may happen by itself. The reasons I try so hard, are easy to understand, but I'm not getting into those on here.

I hope this situation is different from one I have been in before, well it is different. Alot more things are involved at this point. I guess that sets the stage for me to fall even harder if I do. I guess all I can do is wait and hope for the best, like I usually do. Being a dreamer and optimist sucks sometimes hehe.


-FIN-

Well, Christine is gone for a week... that sucks. I also doubt she'll be going to Ohio with me, but I'm trying to keep my hopes high. I hope she had fun at the concert last night, and had fun shopping. Catch ya'll later.





-FIN-

I wish I knew what was going on, I'm a complete mess right now. I don't think I've felt this bad before, definately a new low for me, well not quite as low as gma dying, but its getting there.

The last week, all I have been doing was thinking. Thinking about where Christine and I may be headed. I thought a long time about us, and how I was afraid to totally commit to her. She told me to and told me to let it happen naturally. So I did.

I wish she would just trust me, everything that has come from my mouth has been the truth, or I believed it to be the truth to her. I have feelings for Haley, its true, but why worry about that? They don't matter now, nothing is/was/will ever happen. I don't want anything to.

I want Christine to help me get completely out of Haley's pool, dry off and into hers. I'm not sure if she wants to or not. I want to love Christine, and I do love her. I know if anything happened between us that was bad, I would be heartbroken for a while, I don't want my last year in highschool to go like that. I don't want my senior year, to be remembered as the year my heart was broken, put back together and broken again. Christine has such a huge effect on me. It scares me sometimes. She was the only person to really make me think about how I felt about Haley.

So please Christine, can you please help me out, I'm sorry if u feel like I lied to you. I DO love you. You have been there from the start, Haley never was. I started loosing my feelings for Haley, slowly but surely her pool was drying up thanks to Christine.

-FIN-

This week thus far has sucked pretty bad. Just spend an hour talking to Christine about Haley. I am so angry at myself right now and her too, Christine that is. I never really thought about Haley like this until Christine brought it up.

Haley fucked me over alot, so many times. I decided to not even think about her after the party at Carolines house. I wanted nothing to do with her. But Christine brought up that I may still love her, and she started a conversation that I wish never happened.

I know I'm really mad right now, I still have feelings for Haley that's true, but I would never even concider dating her, hooking up, or if I never talked to her again from this point on, I wouldn't. Even today, she drove away from me, why waste my energy on that? There isn't any point. Why waste energy on somebody that doesn't even care? It's a waste of time, why bother with it.

2 huge differences between Christine and Haley. I could never talk to Haley like I do Christine, Haley and I got close, but I would never tell her about half the stuff I tell Christine. Even though I had feelings for her, I was never really comfortable to the point to where I could say anything and not care, around Haley. The other huge difference is I know if Christine and I were going out, she would never cheat on me, I heard more stories from Haley then I'm willing to share.

So do I still have feelings for Haley? Sure, I prolly do, does any of that matter now? No because my feelings for Christine are much stronger. I'm being completely honest with myself right now. If the oppurtunity came up, if both asked me out, I would go out with Christine. I've seen how Haley opperates, I couldn't handle that.

Christine is Christine. Her and I can talk, and do talk about everything. I'm sorry if you feel I was lying to you, but in reality I didn't think I was. I was unsure myself. I never thought about it until now. I can't deny that I still have feelings for her. If I saw her broke down on the road, I would help. If somebody wanted to beat her up, I would talk to the person, but if she ever wanted to be my girlfriend, I would have to say no. She is still a friend of mine, I would do anything for her that I would a friend.

Truth of the matter is, you are Christine, you're not saving a place for anybody, you're not a trophy, you are not something fake. You are completely real to me, you always have been. We chose eachother, maybe I did kiss you first, but I haven't complained since. I have memories with you I wish I could remember forever. I have told you things, nobody else knows, or things only a few people know. I am more honest with you, than myself sometimes I guess.

-FIN-

I love Christine!

I have no idea what's going on anymore. I think waaaaayyyy too much for my own good, and take a situation and I disect every little part of it. It makes me so mad that I do that. I just have so many feelings right now about so many things, and I need to figure out how to put everything in a nice little line and go through each thing one at a time.

See what the problem is, I'm scared, but at the same time I want to keep going. So I've gotten over my fear, and I'm going head first into the unknown. I call it the unknown because it's impossible to predict the future. As I fall, I'm catching every single problem on my way and trying my best to fix it before I hit bottom. I'm trying so so soooo hard, I just hope in the end, it'll all be worth the effort.

Man x-mas is comming up soon, I hope this year turns out to be a good one. Christine is going to VA for a while, that should give me time to finish her present, and should give her some time to relax and reflect on a few things. Then she comes back and a day later she may be comming with me to Ohio. I want her to come alot, I just hope everything gets worked out.


-FIN-

So many things going on in my life right now. Wow, I don't even know what to talk about . A couple days it finally happened in the hallway, I don't know what invoked it, but I think this is very rare indeed. I know this person feels the same. We talked a bit today about neither of us really being the others "type" and its hard to figure out exactly how we can feel so strongly for eachother, I dunno the whole world is going crazy I think. I think that is one side effect of being in love, you just go a little nuts. Christine may be going to Ohio with me which is awesome, I can't wait to go.

So many different kinds of emotions that go along with somebody your interested in. I guess the more different kinds of emotions, the more you actually care. I mean, I've gone through alot of stages lately, and in the end all I can think about is how much I really do care, I think that's another "side effect" of love. When everything is all said and done, it doesn't really matter what's happened, you always know you can fall back on that person, and no matter what that person does, even if u don't wanna care, you still end up caring. I get so frustrated sometimes, but at the sametime that just makes me care even more and more and more. I know one thing, even if we aren't eachothers type, there is still something there, I can't deny it, I tried for a week or so but in the end, I just can't lie to myself .

-FIN-

Heyas, well Christine is doing the driver's ed thing right now, so I'm really bored. It's so strange, no matter what I try to think about, I always end up thinking about her. Even during the day when I see her, and talk, she never leaves my mind. We were talking last night and discovered that we are both such a huge part of eachothers lives, it's just crazy.
She told me last night, one of the reasons why she isn't dating me is because she would feel like she was spending forever with herself. I can 't tell if that is good or bad, I'm just so crazy over her it's incredible. When ever I see her, I automatically become in a better mood, and wow.

Forever never comes, it's always a second away.

-FIN-

Well this weekend was pretty busy for the most part. Took my Sat's and had alot of fun.

I'm sure you all are wondering about Christine and I.... well..... I can't really give you a solid answer on that because truth is, I haven't let myself believe that we are just friends yet. I guess that's just something I gotta come to terms with eventually.

Whelp I dunno, live life like its meant to be lived.

Sorry bout the less than awesome post peoples, don't really have much to say right now.

-FIN-

Well.... alot of stuff has happened since the last post. Too much stuff in my opinion. Christine and I had a really good time being together, and we ended up calling it off on Saturday, in hopes of getting back together soon. Alot has happened, and I finally learned not to be selfish, so what ever decision she makes about us, I'm going to try to support her either way, I just want her to be happy. We were only together for a little over a month offically, but we had alot of really fun times, and we talked about things so much, and we got so close. We still talk about everything, and I hope that never changes, I love knowing what's going on in her life, and knowing that she's ok and things. Everything is just really complicated right now. I have come to realize, that I got closer to her in a month then I think I have anybody else ever, I mean I'm close with John but that's different, I havent seen John in a long time.
So many things to think about now, it's all hitting me at once and it kindda sucks to be honest. My arm is doing good, I guess that's cool.
Argh so many things I want to say in here, I just don't know how to say them. Life just gets really crappy sometimes I guess, lol it happens every once inna while, you just gotta keep on keeping on. I guess this is enough for now.
Nah, not yet. I wish I knew what Christine wanted me to do, so I could do it for her and make her really happy again. I mean, I would normally say I wish I knew what she was thinking, but we usually know what eachother are thinking anyways. It's so strange, when we are together, its like we are both on the same page, and any thoughts we have go right into the other persons head, and like our relationship is just really natural, there isn't anything forced, or fake about it . I hope some day, everybody can have that feeling. OK NOW I'm done.

-FIN-