JSDragon0512 (6:18:37 PM): u met her
Bege611 (6:18:41 PM): I gave her a chance, she suprised me, I ended up really liking her
JSDragon0512 (6:18:47 PM): to learn to love

Maybe.... Everything happens for a reason I think. There is a very specific reason why everything happens, I've learned that the past couple years. I remember when I first moved here, I was so pissed at the world and miserable. Last summer, was possibly one of the worst times in my life, Gma got cancer, I didn't have any friends, I moved away from everything I ever knew and I was stuck in the middle of a disfunctional house. A house that was 2 houses away from my Grandma.

As the year went on, I really didn't make any friends, I still wondered what the reason for all this was. When it was all said and done, I ended up being chewed up and spit out, Gma died, Haley really dissapointed me and I was still stuck without any good friends.

Ryan Seery and I stayed friends during the summer, and into Senior year. At this time I began to realize some of the reasons I moved down here, and everything happened. The first time I really had a chance to see Christine was when her and a friend were in her room, and Ryan and I came over to do some things. I heard so many stories about her, but I never really got the chance to meet her. I always give people a chance.

Now this is what's weird. If I didn't move down here, meet Ryan Seery, move to Colington Road and stay friends with Ryan over the summer. I would have never met Christine. So many things that could have gotten in the way of that. Everything had to be completely perfect for us to meet. We would have never met otherwise. It was like a perfectly executed plan. So many things had to be perfect to make that happen.

So recently I've been wondering why I met Christine, what reason in the future may come out of everything. Maybe John was right, maybe I met her to learn how to love. Even if I do end up getting hurt, what reason may that have? I can't think of one right now. Maybe later I'll be able to figure it out. Or maybe, Christine and I will look back on this in a couple years and laugh about it, I dunno.

Until then, the one song that I think I would sing to Christine now would be....

can you sleep as the sound hits your ears one at a time?
an unspokenbalance here,
unabridged for so many years
that i should stare at receivers
to receive her isn't fair
don't worry i'll catch you
don't ever worry
your arms in mine,
anytime I wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everything
to my surprise,
before my eyes,
you arrive
don't worry I'll catch you
don't ever worry
I'm still breaking old habits,
habits when you pulled the wool over me
I can see everything,
everything remembering"jinx removing"
don't worry i'll catch you
[x2]don't ever worry
no need for reminding...you're still all that matters to me

I don't know whats going on. I want to talk to Christine, I thought maybe I could try to get over her, but since this thing started all I have done is thought about her. It's so crazy, I just want to be around her and talk to her and be there for her. I want to be her best friend, and talk to her about everything. I thought maybe this would help me get less attached but all it seems to make me do is wonder and think about her more. She wants me to get over her, and I would do anything to make her happy, and I'm trying my hardest, but I don't think it's going to happen very fast. If she wanted me to never see her or speak to her again, I would do that if it would make her happy, even though it would drive me insane. This whole thing is driving me insane.


-FIN-

Well... I wish everything could be simple and easy, but it's not. Christine and I came up with the idea to talk as little as possible over the next week or so, and see how both of us feel after that. It's a good idea, it'll make alot of things visible. If we both go crazy, then that'll tell us alot. I know I talk to her about everything, and we are best friends, it'll be interesting to see what happens, or if anything changes.

I'm trying so hard right now not get completely devistated. I guess I'll just build that little wall just in case. I really do like her alot, but I don't know how much more of this I can really handle before I break. It's hard to tell at this point. I just hope everything goes well.

Im so scared. The reason why is, I know I've set myself up to be hurt. I just hope it doesn't happen. I am so afraid it might though. Even though I keep telling myself to quit trying, I don't stop trying for some reason. I am so worried. I know that Christine would never hurt me to be mean, or do it on purpose. At the same time though, it may happen by itself. The reasons I try so hard, are easy to understand, but I'm not getting into those on here.

I hope this situation is different from one I have been in before, well it is different. Alot more things are involved at this point. I guess that sets the stage for me to fall even harder if I do. I guess all I can do is wait and hope for the best, like I usually do. Being a dreamer and optimist sucks sometimes hehe.


-FIN-

Well, Christine is gone for a week... that sucks. I also doubt she'll be going to Ohio with me, but I'm trying to keep my hopes high. I hope she had fun at the concert last night, and had fun shopping. Catch ya'll later.





-FIN-

I wish I knew what was going on, I'm a complete mess right now. I don't think I've felt this bad before, definately a new low for me, well not quite as low as gma dying, but its getting there.

The last week, all I have been doing was thinking. Thinking about where Christine and I may be headed. I thought a long time about us, and how I was afraid to totally commit to her. She told me to and told me to let it happen naturally. So I did.

I wish she would just trust me, everything that has come from my mouth has been the truth, or I believed it to be the truth to her. I have feelings for Haley, its true, but why worry about that? They don't matter now, nothing is/was/will ever happen. I don't want anything to.

I want Christine to help me get completely out of Haley's pool, dry off and into hers. I'm not sure if she wants to or not. I want to love Christine, and I do love her. I know if anything happened between us that was bad, I would be heartbroken for a while, I don't want my last year in highschool to go like that. I don't want my senior year, to be remembered as the year my heart was broken, put back together and broken again. Christine has such a huge effect on me. It scares me sometimes. She was the only person to really make me think about how I felt about Haley.

So please Christine, can you please help me out, I'm sorry if u feel like I lied to you. I DO love you. You have been there from the start, Haley never was. I started loosing my feelings for Haley, slowly but surely her pool was drying up thanks to Christine.

-FIN-

This week thus far has sucked pretty bad. Just spend an hour talking to Christine about Haley. I am so angry at myself right now and her too, Christine that is. I never really thought about Haley like this until Christine brought it up.

Haley fucked me over alot, so many times. I decided to not even think about her after the party at Carolines house. I wanted nothing to do with her. But Christine brought up that I may still love her, and she started a conversation that I wish never happened.

I know I'm really mad right now, I still have feelings for Haley that's true, but I would never even concider dating her, hooking up, or if I never talked to her again from this point on, I wouldn't. Even today, she drove away from me, why waste my energy on that? There isn't any point. Why waste energy on somebody that doesn't even care? It's a waste of time, why bother with it.

2 huge differences between Christine and Haley. I could never talk to Haley like I do Christine, Haley and I got close, but I would never tell her about half the stuff I tell Christine. Even though I had feelings for her, I was never really comfortable to the point to where I could say anything and not care, around Haley. The other huge difference is I know if Christine and I were going out, she would never cheat on me, I heard more stories from Haley then I'm willing to share.

So do I still have feelings for Haley? Sure, I prolly do, does any of that matter now? No because my feelings for Christine are much stronger. I'm being completely honest with myself right now. If the oppurtunity came up, if both asked me out, I would go out with Christine. I've seen how Haley opperates, I couldn't handle that.

Christine is Christine. Her and I can talk, and do talk about everything. I'm sorry if you feel I was lying to you, but in reality I didn't think I was. I was unsure myself. I never thought about it until now. I can't deny that I still have feelings for her. If I saw her broke down on the road, I would help. If somebody wanted to beat her up, I would talk to the person, but if she ever wanted to be my girlfriend, I would have to say no. She is still a friend of mine, I would do anything for her that I would a friend.

Truth of the matter is, you are Christine, you're not saving a place for anybody, you're not a trophy, you are not something fake. You are completely real to me, you always have been. We chose eachother, maybe I did kiss you first, but I haven't complained since. I have memories with you I wish I could remember forever. I have told you things, nobody else knows, or things only a few people know. I am more honest with you, than myself sometimes I guess.

-FIN-

I love Christine!

I have no idea what's going on anymore. I think waaaaayyyy too much for my own good, and take a situation and I disect every little part of it. It makes me so mad that I do that. I just have so many feelings right now about so many things, and I need to figure out how to put everything in a nice little line and go through each thing one at a time.

See what the problem is, I'm scared, but at the same time I want to keep going. So I've gotten over my fear, and I'm going head first into the unknown. I call it the unknown because it's impossible to predict the future. As I fall, I'm catching every single problem on my way and trying my best to fix it before I hit bottom. I'm trying so so soooo hard, I just hope in the end, it'll all be worth the effort.

Man x-mas is comming up soon, I hope this year turns out to be a good one. Christine is going to VA for a while, that should give me time to finish her present, and should give her some time to relax and reflect on a few things. Then she comes back and a day later she may be comming with me to Ohio. I want her to come alot, I just hope everything gets worked out.


-FIN-

So many things going on in my life right now. Wow, I don't even know what to talk about . A couple days it finally happened in the hallway, I don't know what invoked it, but I think this is very rare indeed. I know this person feels the same. We talked a bit today about neither of us really being the others "type" and its hard to figure out exactly how we can feel so strongly for eachother, I dunno the whole world is going crazy I think. I think that is one side effect of being in love, you just go a little nuts. Christine may be going to Ohio with me which is awesome, I can't wait to go.

So many different kinds of emotions that go along with somebody your interested in. I guess the more different kinds of emotions, the more you actually care. I mean, I've gone through alot of stages lately, and in the end all I can think about is how much I really do care, I think that's another "side effect" of love. When everything is all said and done, it doesn't really matter what's happened, you always know you can fall back on that person, and no matter what that person does, even if u don't wanna care, you still end up caring. I get so frustrated sometimes, but at the sametime that just makes me care even more and more and more. I know one thing, even if we aren't eachothers type, there is still something there, I can't deny it, I tried for a week or so but in the end, I just can't lie to myself .

-FIN-

Heyas, well Christine is doing the driver's ed thing right now, so I'm really bored. It's so strange, no matter what I try to think about, I always end up thinking about her. Even during the day when I see her, and talk, she never leaves my mind. We were talking last night and discovered that we are both such a huge part of eachothers lives, it's just crazy.
She told me last night, one of the reasons why she isn't dating me is because she would feel like she was spending forever with herself. I can 't tell if that is good or bad, I'm just so crazy over her it's incredible. When ever I see her, I automatically become in a better mood, and wow.

Forever never comes, it's always a second away.

-FIN-

Well this weekend was pretty busy for the most part. Took my Sat's and had alot of fun.

I'm sure you all are wondering about Christine and I.... well..... I can't really give you a solid answer on that because truth is, I haven't let myself believe that we are just friends yet. I guess that's just something I gotta come to terms with eventually.

Whelp I dunno, live life like its meant to be lived.

Sorry bout the less than awesome post peoples, don't really have much to say right now.

-FIN-

Well.... alot of stuff has happened since the last post. Too much stuff in my opinion. Christine and I had a really good time being together, and we ended up calling it off on Saturday, in hopes of getting back together soon. Alot has happened, and I finally learned not to be selfish, so what ever decision she makes about us, I'm going to try to support her either way, I just want her to be happy. We were only together for a little over a month offically, but we had alot of really fun times, and we talked about things so much, and we got so close. We still talk about everything, and I hope that never changes, I love knowing what's going on in her life, and knowing that she's ok and things. Everything is just really complicated right now. I have come to realize, that I got closer to her in a month then I think I have anybody else ever, I mean I'm close with John but that's different, I havent seen John in a long time.
So many things to think about now, it's all hitting me at once and it kindda sucks to be honest. My arm is doing good, I guess that's cool.
Argh so many things I want to say in here, I just don't know how to say them. Life just gets really crappy sometimes I guess, lol it happens every once inna while, you just gotta keep on keeping on. I guess this is enough for now.
Nah, not yet. I wish I knew what Christine wanted me to do, so I could do it for her and make her really happy again. I mean, I would normally say I wish I knew what she was thinking, but we usually know what eachother are thinking anyways. It's so strange, when we are together, its like we are both on the same page, and any thoughts we have go right into the other persons head, and like our relationship is just really natural, there isn't anything forced, or fake about it . I hope some day, everybody can have that feeling. OK NOW I'm done.

-FIN-

Argh, I know if I didn 't like her as much as I do, I wouldn't be thinking about this all the time. It's just so frustrating sometimes I guess. I guess I really fell for her, there isn't any turning back now. She knows how I feel, but I know that she has her agenda to fill also. Maybe I'm just being a dumb ass, or emo I dunno. I hope this all blows over quick.

Hrm.... it's kind of a weird time to update at 5:40 in the am. Last night, well I guess it's the night before last, Christine broke up with me. But alas, all is not lost. She just needs some time I guess. Hopefully we'll get back together, in fact I know we will, it's just a matter of when. We both really like each other alot, it's pretty obvious, but I guess she just needs some time alone. I really don't understand why, because I'm not comming from the same place she is with this kindda stuff. I dunno, I'm feeling alot of different ways right now, it's hard to explain, whelp thats bout it folks.

-FIN-

Wow, I don't know what's going on. For over a month now, I have been with one of the most incredible people I think I've ever met, and today she started to talk to me about something missing, not quite sure what, but I'm different from any other person she's dated. I dunno. I remember when I first met her, I had no idea about this person, I made no assumptions even though all I heard were stories. I knew that people deserved better than that. We started talking, hanging out and running lines, and after about 2 days, I really began to think she was cool as hell. Then we spent all day at a bird watch, I went home with a sun burn and a happy heart. I asked her out that night, and since then everything has run like clockwork. We had a couple problems at the start, mostly my fault, but we got through that and everything went awesome. Started spending alot of time with her, in fact I spent more time with her, then anywhere else. Last week or so, we've gotten very close, to the point where she knows me as well as John does. We both agreed that we were very happy being together. This morning we were talking and she mentioned breaking up again, normally I don't take her too seriously because she likes to joke around like that alot. But this time she did seem very serious, and I don't know what happened, or changed but this is the 1st time ever Im actually afraid for the relationship. If anything happened I don't know what I would do, I would still be her friend, but it would be weird, because I would'nt be able to kiss her, or talk to her the way I did before, without wondering what could've happened. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I dunno, I'm still planning on finishing this picture for her regardless, because I do love her. Give me some adivice peoples, I need some right now.

-FIN-

Hrm.... I'm supposed to update. Whelp school's out till next week, which is awesome cuz I have some relatives down right now that I don't see very often anymore. I'm getting back into the painting thing again, now that I have white. I can't wait to finish the painting I'm working on now, it's going to be a great x-mas present. I've spent alot of time on it so far, so I hope she likes it. Well back to being a great boyfriend....

-FIN-

Wow, that's all I can say. Play is over, life I love you all is groovy. This has been and I hope will continue to be a real high point in my life. Everything is going so well in all aspects of it. There is this girl I know and she's like soooo cool and stuff. She is one of the coolest people I know, and she's so fine, hott damn. Her and I are really good friends. I've been at her house, more than my own this past week. It's just so amazing how 2 people can get so clo se, on so many levels during a months time. I don't think it has ever happened so fast with me before, it's crazy and I'm loving every minute of it. There has been several times the past couple days where I look at her and I start to think ab out not my future, but hers , what she's going to be doing in 10 years , and wondering if she'll remember me that long from now. I'm so tired right now. My space key is going nuts also, argh. As far as life goes , I can't imgine it any other way.
I love you Christine

-FIN-

Whelp, play is going really well. Christine and I have been together for over a month now!!! Yay! Month has gone by so fast. We have alot of really good memories. Isn't it funny how sometimes people say the same word as you, or finish your sentence? Out of all the words they could've chosen, why would they chose the exact same word as you? or how would they know what you were thinking enough to finish your sentence? Kinnda weird isn't it? In the past week Christine and I have finished so many sentences and said the same word or entire sentences so many times, its unreal. I guess that means sumthin. My arm is getting better I think... we'll see how that goes. It may be getting infected.. . *shrugs* I'll live though. I'll be so glad when this play is over, but I won't know what to do with my time anymore, it's just taken up so much of my life its crazy. Whelp it's almost bed time, so I guess I'll cya yall later.

-FIN-

Heyas people, life is going pretty good right now, I'm enjoying it alot. Surgery went well, the play is almost over, Christine and I have been together for almost a month, everything is just hunkey doory.

I can't really say anything is going less then expected right now, I'm just on such a high. Hrm... what to talk about?

Lets see..... I dunno, I think well I hope anyways that Christine is actually letting herself believe I care about her alot. She'll prolly deny it till the end though. We've been getting along really well.

I dunno what to talk about really, I'm sitting here waiting for a movie to start.....

I'll update a longer one after this play crap is over, we open on Tuesday and we're having a really nice cast party on Friday.

Peace Peoples
Word Dawg

-FIN-

I now understand the reasons, everything is cool....

Thanks Christine
;)

-FIN-

Heyas
Well it's been an interesting couple days to say the least. Went to rehearsal today to try and get back into the swing of things, I did pretty well, only dropped a couple lines, I was suprised. Tomorrow I go back to the doc to hopefully get all this crap taken off of me.
The dog has been a weird addition to my home, I miss having a dog, but I dont miss all the baggage that comes with it. *shrugs* o well
Christine and I are getting along great, altough today she was convinced I broke up with her, I know she's joking though. Sometimes though it kindda gets to me, and I know I should'nt let it, because I care about her so much, and when she sits there and tells herself I dont it bothers me a bit. I dunno maybe I'm just being stupid.

Whelp thats bout it folks

-FIN-

WEll gonna try to update. Went to the Ramada last night with Christine, had alot of fun, sang some Van Morrison and chilled by the beach. Got a new addition to my house today, a puppy we are dog sitting until christmas for Carson. Christine is eating tuna right now and said if I really loved her I would update. So I guess the more I talk about the more I love her, so we'll see how long I can go until my arm starts to hurt. Last couple days have been kindda blah, the pain is getting worse now that the swelling is going down and that im being a little more active. Had some bleeding earlier today, just enough to scare my mom a bit. I'm going to have 2 scars on my arm so far, I saw the cuts and they are pretty gross looking.

As for Christine, I can't deny that I Really really love her. One of the few people that I know actually cares about me. She was at first kindda scared of my mom and I don't blame her, I've been living with her for 17 years and she still scares the shit outta me. She's going to come over tomorrow to play with the puppy, she came over today too.

Today kindda sucked I had alot of pain in the morning, so I kindda slept it off, I guess that's a good stratagey.

Whelp I guess I'm almost done here, Im still thinking about going up to ohio during x-mas vacation, hopefully Christine will want to go with me, I think she would enjoy it, I miss the snow and the trees and the people alot.

-FIN-

Well back home now. My arm kindda hurts and im typing with one hand. Christine went to battle of the bands and home comming tonight. Im glad she went she had fun Im sure. She looked so pretty when she came to visit me. She also came to see me in the hospital. I love her so much, not many people would drive 3 hours to see me in a bed falling asleep.

The surgeryy went well as far as i can tell, no school for me until friday though, which kindda sucks cuz now I have to make all that shit up. O well its the cost of being beautiful I guess.

Man this typing with 1 hand thing kindda blows lol, Im getting better at it though. Maybe I can do other things with my left hand now.... *Shrugs*

-FIN-

Well guys, I guess this is it. I leave at 4:45am to drive 2 hours to Norfolk for my operation. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared for several reasons. First of all, yea its going to be a pretty complicated operation, peoples veins aren't sumthin to lightly mess with. Secondly I don't want anything to go wrong, and it very well may, we'll just have to see. Thirdly, I want to be able to be there for Christine, so basically I don't want to die lol. Finally the play is soon, and I don't want to let a lot of people down because I wont be physically capible of doing it.

This may be my last post for a while, after my surgery, my arm could be in a sling for a couple weeks. So I'll try to put as much in this as possible. I would just like to express my gratitude to all my friends for supporting me the last couple months in everything I have done, especially with the play, Christine and, the surgery. Without my friends, I dont' know what I would do, life would suck if I didn't have these people to fall back on. My friends are my safety net, and I'm not afraid to admit that.

I am so proud of Christine. She has gotten a spot on the homecomming court, it's awesome. I doubt I will be able to be there for her when she rides through the parade, it's on Friday. I feel really bad, but I know she understands, she's cool like that. Christine may be comming up on Thursday to see me in my lowest hour, in a bed, sick, on drugs and half asleep. Now people let me tell you, that is real commitment lol. Not everybody would drive 3 hours to see somebody look like complete shit.

I think this would be a good time to talk about John. John I know you're going to read this. You have been with me since day one, through the good shit, bad shit, the move, death, separation, depression, you've been there for it all. I just want to let you know how much I appreciate it, and I don't think any cluster of words can express my feelings for you.

Well guys, I think that's all I have to say for now. May you all live in peace and happiness, live long and prosper.

-FIN-

It's 3 days until my surgery and I'm getting kindda scared. Of course everything will be ok and stuff but there is always that thought in the back of your mind. The play has been postponed for another week, thank god, I think the surgery and the play and everything would've gotten me all stressed n stuff.

Tonight was the last night in a while I'll be able to hang with Christine, because of my surgery and the play. It kindda sucks. I'll still see her in school and stuff, but it's not the same. I'm really happy that she is happy, and hopefully things will keep getting better. I think we'll be together for a while, we get along way too well to be fighting about stupid stuff. I hope she'll be able to come to Norfolk with me for my operation, that would really be awesome.

Next couple weeks are going to be interesting to say the least. Hectic is more of the word. I just hope everything goes well, and nothing serious comes up. But until then, live long and prosper my lovely fans, and sleep well because tomorrow is another day.

By the way, I love you Christine :)

-FIN-

Wow, it's been a pretty busy few days. I went to go see my doc. and got some info bout my surgery, chilled with Christine alot, been running lines alot. It's been crazy. Apperently my Doctor doesn't think I'm going to be able to do the play, he would rather me not do it. Which sucks because I've spent two months on this thing, just to throw it out the window? Kindda pisses me off a bit, course I'm not going to listen to him, I'll still do it. I love hanging out with Christine, even though she is completely weird and stuff. Like, today she told me she used suck on her mom's frozen vibrator when she was a baby and eat dog biscuts. What a freak? Who tells people things like that. We watched Forest Gump today, she thought it was pretty good, I knew she'd prolly like it. Also watched Mean Girls, yet another almost chick flick movie. Went to a party and chilled there for a while, met some new people, and had a good time. The play is getting closer and closer, so is my surgery and I'm starting to stress about it. My lines aren't memorized yet, I'm having problems with blocking, not to mention I'm going to miss some key rehearsals. I really really hope I'm going to be able to do this play. October is almost over that means 17 more days, for those of you that keep track, you know what I'm talking about. I think being a Senior is finally starting to catch up with me, I realized how much crap I have to do before the end of the year. I think I can finally discribe exactly what it feels like to be in love, so I think Im going to write a little diddy about it. Well more or less a list:
Love is:
When you can think of nothing else but the person you are with
When everything else takes a back seat
When you can't stay mad
When you float instead of walk
When you tell people things about your life, nobody else knows
When you can finally admit you love the person and not just her bed
When you know you can say nothing and be comfortable.

Wow times 2
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those, who can easily hide
I don't have much money, but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live.

If I was a sculptor, but then again no,
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you.

And you can tell everybody, this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done,
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses, well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song,
It's for people like you, that keep it turned on.
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten, if they're green or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

And you can tell everybody, this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done,
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

Wow, that's all I can say.

-FIN-

Hrm... well this may be an interesting one. I really fucked up bad Saturday, I basically broke a really important promise I made to Christine. I feel really bad about it, and trust me Christine let me know how she felt about it. Thank God we worked it out, I couldn't live with myself if anything bad happened. I've decided I'm quiting any kind of illegal activity, it's just not worth it anymore. I really don't need to do it, and it doesn't make me a happier/better person in the logn run, so why bother with it? Right now I'm in the process of making a piece of art for Christine with a black crayon she gave me, touching isn't it? I think I know what it is now, but it's a secret... shhh..... My doc appointment is comming up on Thursday for my surgery, I'm kindda worried about it, of course who wouldn't be? Hrm... lets see.... I think I'm starting to get blisters from walking back and forth to and from Christine's house so much, but I really don't care I love going over there. It's worth it.

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words i don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a diffrent view
And nothing else matters

I don't want to lose Christine

Man, I wish everything was a simple as it seems. Christine and I are getting along very well, but something is bothering her, I'm not going to get into it though. It just pisses me off that somebody could be so heartless and such an ass one moment and a gentlemen the next. I wish I would've gone to Neptunes with her last night, would've saved her alot of grief. I'm just really worried about her, and I know whatever she decides will be the right decision, maybe, but I have faith in her. I just wish she would have some in herself. It's such a shame when somebody has been hurt so many time that she/he can't trust anybody anymore. I'm just really bummed, I might post later. Until then, have fun on ur trip Christine.

-FIN-

Heyas peoples. Whelp I'm updating more often now, thanks to some peer pressure ;). This one may be a little bit lengthy.

First off, the play seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm not sure we'll be ready in 3 weeks. Mrs. Kraft has moved the play 3 days sooner than what I originally thought. This is bad because of my surgery. *shrugs* oh well, it'll all be fine I'm sure. What is really starting to get to me is how people don't take any responcibility at all for anything they do. Sometimes people just need to learn how to mature up a bit.

Secondly, Christine.... sooo much about her. The last couple of days we have been running lines. It's crazy but I feel really really close to her for some reason, and we've only been hanging out for about a week. We've been talking alot. I love it, how every time she looks at me, she smiles and just looks away. We were talking about this and she said in a few years she'll have huge bags under her eyes from smiling so much. This made me feel pretty good lol. I dunno, it's just really weird how two people can get so close in such short amount of time. We both seem to really enjoy eachothers company. I know it'll last way longer than a week or two. I really adore her, how somebody can be delt a shit hand, and still play poker with it. It just seems to me, that nobody is willing to give her any sort of chance, they just assume what they want and push her aside. She really is a strong person.

-FIN-

Take a look at this person. This is Christine, her and I are a "couple" now. Anyways its Sunday night, tomorrow is monday, which means school. That means another week of school. Worked on my lines alot today with Christine, she's trying to help me. I appreciate it alot. If you can't tell from that picture, she has the most beautiful eyes... just my opinion

-FIN-

Hrm... been a few days since I posted. I guess the past couple days have been pretty cool. Got into the Matrix Online beta test, haven't really done much testing yet, *shrugs*. Right now I can't really remember whats happened the last few days, cept seeing Napoleon Dynamite with Christine, Chyna and Matt. Pretty interesting movie. Many many quotable lines. Seems to be a cult classic already. Whelp crunch time is comming for memorizing my lines, I have 277 to remember, I only have about 40 of them so far. Needless to say I need some more work, that's why I'm going back to Seery's house tomorrow, to study my lines ;). Today was pretty cool, basically spent all day with Christine. Started off like any normal Saturday, cept I didn't have a hangover. Cleaned my room, organized it, did laundry. Then Christine came over to chill while I finished up. Went back to her place, kicked her ass in wrestling again, so bad in fact she needed Ryans help. It's weird but she made me totally forget about Haley, oh yea, Haley is back from NCSA. She's back in school here. I feel really sorry for her, but at the same time I'm very dissapointed. Alot of people are. Anyways, Christine and I get along very well, which is kindda weird cuz I really don't know her all that well. We seem to just click.

-FIN-

Hrm... well finally got my truck... here are some pics:




1987 Ford F150 XLT Lariat... cool car, has some minor problems, nothings I can't fix.

Whelp many many many requests for an update I guess...soooo that's what I'm doing. Updating my blog.

Past few days have been pretty interesting, just got wind of a drug test for some people at our school, needless to say I'm just a bit worried. Invasion of privacy is one thing, ruining a good kids life is another. Been chillin with Christine past few days, still haven't finished Pulp Fiction yet, we are on the final (and best) chapter, of course they are all good chapters, but this one is the bomb. My surgery is inching closer and closer, I'm getting pretty freaked out about it, especially since the play is comming up shortly too.
With power comes great responciblity, to quote Spider Man. I gotta get a job when I get my license, which should be pretty soon, I'm predicting the next couple weeks.

What does a favorite color tell you about a person? I dunno how bout ya'll tell me, I'm interested.

This is quickly turning into 10 million thoughts all in one post, basically I'm typing 40 billion miles per hour trying to satisfy Christine, she better be happy. I'll post again soon.

-FIN-

Hey guys, I bought my truck today. It's gonna be pretty sweet, I'll get some pics up asap. Anyhoo yea I'm pretty excited over that. It's a truck, something I've always wanted. At least I can go from point a to b now. Yuppers. Sitting here drinking my bottled water and listening to Rob Halford.

Some of the best lyrics ever:

can you sleep as the sound hits your ears one at a time?
an unspokenbalance here,
unabridged for so many years
that i should stare at receivers
to receive her isn't fair
don't worry i'll catch you
don't ever worry
your arms in mine,
anytime I wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everythingto my surprise,
before my eyes, you arrive
don't worry I'll catch you
don't ever worry
I'm still breaking old habits,
habits when you pulled the wool over me
I can see everything,
everything remembering
"jinx removing"don't worry i'll catch you
[x2]don't ever worry
no need for reminding...
you're still all that matters to me


Great song... The get up Kids... I'll catch you
-FIN-

Oh my fucking God, I am so stupid. Why didn't i say anything while I had the chance? Oh well, I guess my chance is gone, and what little hope we had for anything ended a while ago. Anyways, last night we had a decent little get together. Nothing really that special, night ended pretty early :( . We're in Highschool, what do you expect? Anyways I don't think I've ever been more pissed at myself until now. Anyhoo, hrm... what else to talk about? I'm really starting to worry about my surgery comming up, not so much about my health, but about the play. I hope no complications arise that I can't do it, because that would be very very bad. Well, today I'm going to go watch a movie with Ryan Seery's sister, this should be interesting. Pulp Fiction is the movie that has been chosen. It's a classic, if you haven't seen it, ask me for the Dvd.
Hrm... I may post later today I'm not sure... but for now...
-FIN-

I'm in a really mellow mood right now. Its midnight... what are you doing right now? I have some Ben Harper playin and some Floyd. I guess this blog this is more theraputic then anything else. I enjoy posting on here, when I feel like it. Guess it just gives me a chance to reflect on the day. This will be my 2nd post for the day, well actually the 1st post on Thursday, depending on when it publishes. I think I'll just make this a recap of the last couple months when alot of posting hasn't been going on. Nevermind I just changed my mind. I think I'm just going to start typing and see what comes up. It's so scary being a senior in high school sometimes. They expect you to go from teenager to "almost adult" status in 9 months, I don't know if I want to/am ready to, do that. If you look at every "adult" out there in the world, they are obsessed with money, their job, and responcibility. Who would want that, there is no fun involved. Most people get up, goto work, come home, cooking something to eat, watch a little T.V and then goto bed. What the hell kind of existance is that? Who would be looking forward to that. Then getting married comes into play, everybodies dream. There is somebody I know of right now, that I am very interested in, but because I'm a wuss I don't tell her. Basically I love this person, and she'll prolly never know. Now, if I were an "almost adult" I would tell her, but *shrugs* I guess I'll just have to wait. Then, the ultimate endgame, children and grandchildren, the conclusion to most of our dreams. I guess the goal of the human race is not to be happy, but to make those that come after us happy. I can understand the reasoning in that, but in some ways it's almost a lost cause. People become more and more like robots, every one acting to a certain pool of responces to every situation he/she is in. What ever happened to the great inventors? Those people that didnt' follow the norm, the ones that weren't afraid to be different? This is the problem the human race has today, everything is so plain and structured. All of society is made of little LEGO blocks, 5 different shapes, 3 different colors. Whatever happend to the pyramid of marbles? each one different, forever changing and abstract? I want to know if I'm the only person that thinks like this? I hope I'm not. Hrm... what else to talk about? My lamp is really cool, it's all bendy and stuff... I enjoy it very much so. Anyways... I feel like, I sit back and watch everybody lead their lives, and I feel so sorry for them... there is so much more people can do and are capible of, and what have we come to? Computers, Cars and the Corporation. Who out there in cyber space thinks its almost concidered a requirement to smoke in art school? I'm talking tobacco products. I have a serious problem with tobacco. It just tears me apart when I see people I care about lighting a cigarette. It is probably one of the most dirty habbits you can pick up, but people do it anyways... very stunning. It is now... 12:12est cool huh? Yea I think I'm going to post a play by play of the time, just to be weird like that and see how long I can keep this post going. I wanna see how long this will be on my page... I'm shooting for a whole page long, that'll be cool. Damnit my headphones just fell off... Listening to The Get up Kids right now... great band check em out. I just found the little text color thing... I'm going to have a bit of fun with it.

Friday... is just 1 more day away. I can't wait for the weekend, they have been getting better and better. Haley is here for the week, pretty excited by that. She's leaving on Sunday though, which kindda sucks, I wish she would be here forever. I guess she's just somebody I really really enjoy being around. I haven't met a person yet, that does the things to me that she can. Just a very very great time. I care for her very much.
_FIN_

Friday... is just 1 more day away. I can't wait for the weekend, they have been getting better and better. Haley is here for the week, pretty excited by that. She's leaving on Sunday though, which kindda sucks, I wish she would be here forever. I guess she's just somebody I really really enjoy being around. I haven't met a person yet, that does the things to me that she can. Just a very very great time. I care for her very much.
_FIN_

Har Har look at that sexy mofo right there... I learned some nifty little tricks... tehehe. Anyhoo week is gonna be filled with rehearsals and parties... soooooo I'll try to post more often aight?

Hrm... sorry bout not posting a second time... I wanna see if this works... if it does... I rule if it doesn't then I'll be expecting some flames...

Heyas people, been quite a while since my last post, so this may be a long one. School play this yea is "The Crucible". Auditions have been held, cast list posted, and most of the play blocked already. Seems to be comming together rather nicely so far. Haley is doing well at NCSA im glad to hear that. I was kindda worried for her, for a while. BRB I'll post another inna few

1. Test 1, 2

Hrm.... well I guess this is a rare occasion but I am completely pissed off to no end right now. As you all know Haley is going to NCSA and leaves on Thursday to do so. So I guess I should try to spend as much time with her as I can. Well Mom decides to go out... big suprise there. She tells me to ,"Call Cindy's Cell if you need me". Soooo bout 1/2 hour later Haley calls me up, also a bit of a suprise, I figured she'd be out having fun her last days here. So she invites me to go with her and a couple of her friends to Kings Dominion tomorrow, which is basically a theme park. Im like sure I'll go, I don't have much money on me I'll call my Mom and see if she can give me some, and I'll call u back later. *Click* I pick up the phone and try to call my Mother at the assigned number... no answer... I try again in 20 minutes... still no answer. I decide to wait... for 45 minutes. 10:30 rolls around and lo and behold Mom walks in the door. I explain to her the situation... no go, she doesn't have the money and she wont drive 5 minutes to an atm to get it.... what a cock sucking whore....
Fin

Holy shit biscuts, where the fuck has highschool gone?! Just to think that I have 8 months left of school is just mind blowing. I guess it just now sunk in that is 8 months I'm no longer going to be in the state provided public schooling system. This year promises to be an interesting year to say the least, although I am very sad that I cannot spend it with my friends in Salem. It just doesn't feel like school without them. Wow this is just crazy. I'm taking the Sat's in December and the Act's in November? I think? The fall play this year is the Crucible... interesting choice... it's a very very hard play to do well, it completely contrasts last years fall play, "Charlie Brown Christmas". My 1st surgery in a long chain of surgerys is scheduled for August 31st. Needless to say, I'm a bit worried about this one, concidering they are taking out an entire artery from my arm... no big deal. I'm going to be under for 5-6 hours... don't cha think they could do something like that in like 20-30 minutes? Downtime for this one is going to be at least a week, which kindda blows to say the least. Already I can't be exempt from any exams this semester... which included Alg. 2 and Spanish 2. Also, auditions are on August 31st... so yea great timing eh? During that week apperently I can't use my arm... hrm... which renders doing homework impossible because I am right handed, but then again I don't want to get behind, in Spanish that's not a problem I love Spanish, but Alg. 2 is gonna suck. I was sitting here thinking, and I just realized the one food that will shorten your life to a few years.... People don't eat it... Jello. Now think of this, every person with a disease that is going to kill them, eats nothing but Jello for the months before his/her death... does this say something about Jello? maybe they would've lived if they had eaten steak for the last months. Needless to say I am going to avoid Jello like the plague. If this wasn't enough I have fucking wisdom teeth comming in... son of a cocksucker... now I'm prolly going to miss days for a dentist apointment... gotta love it. Still looking for a person of the female gender, obviously I'm not as lucky in that department as I am finding free porn on the internet. Hrm.... that's an interesting juxtaposition... Masterbating linked to being single? Who would have thought... Do you think possibly they can smell it on us? Is there some weird sign that says, "This kid flogs the dolphin 7-10 times a day"? Can other males not see this? Hrm... I dunno well I guess I've spoken my peace for the time being... Peace Out and long live ardvarks!

Whelp... Junior year is over. Amazing isn't it? How a school year can go by so fast. It's almost surreal. Just thinking that I'm now a Senior in high school. Where the hell did the time go? I have decided that next year, I will have no regrets. I already regret many things that I didn't do. Many things I didn't tell people, or even things I wanted to do, but for some reason didn't. Lucky for me, it all ended on a high note. Although it started on an extreamly low one. A few people are responcible for getting me through this so far. I really appreciate it, you all know who you are. I am going to miss being a Junior. I'm going to miss a few people from here. One of them is actaully going away when the summer is over. Bittersweet I guess, great oppurtunities don't come along every day.

Hrm... news... news I know there must be some... o yea, Haley was accepted into NCSA (North Carolina School of the Arts) So for her junior year she will attended the school and specialize in visual art. In my opinion that's pretty cool, I guess bittersweet in a way, but it's still pretty cool. I'm glad for her and proud to know her. Other news... uhm... it's going to rain?...

Earlier today I had to oppertunity to get high. Did I take advantage of it? No... why? Because Haley was there, I've never gotten high around Haley, maybe one day I will. Not anytime soon though, so the following will be a letter to Haley Mahoney.

Haley, I care about you like I would care about my own sister, or as much as I care for John. There are a few things I've been wanting to get off of my chest though. I met you 7 months ago, at first you were just another person in my theatre class. Soon after the film projects started I had gotten to know you, and I concidered you a friend shortly afterwards. Thanks to your magnetic personality you went from just a friend, to an object of desire. John knows I have talked more about you then myself since we've met. I guess that thing sort of happens. Anyways, a couple months back, we had a conversation at the playground on the sound about some things, I won't name them here because this is in public viewing. What I got from the conversation though was that you didn't really like what you were doing and wanted to stop. Well, over that past year, I have watched my grandmother die slowly because of cancer. Lung cancer is caused by smoking cigarettes, and also pot. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to see anybody suffer like that ever again, it was the most terrible thing I've ever seen. I know that your prolly not interested in what I have to say, or anybody else reading this for that matter. I've seen what stuff like that can do to people, living and dead, and I would hate for anything to happen to you. I don't have any problems with pot, every once in a while, but when somebody's life revolves around it, I can't stand to watch the outcome. I would tell this to any of my friends, it also pisses me off that a close friend of mine Shannon, has picked up the tobacco stick, or when any of my friends (especially the females ones) do anything to degrade themselves and make themselves look cheap.

I love all my friends very much, and would do anything for any of them. They all know that, I care about my friends more then myself. I would just hate to see anything happen to you in the future...

Whelp, G-ma died on the 12th at 9 o'clock. Sadly I didn't goto school on Thursday or Friday but whatever. Over the past 11 months you just sit there and kindda watch things happen, almost voyeuristic like, not really taking part in any of the action but you can relate to what's going on. Anyhoo as I sat back and watched all this unwrap I realized exackly what I don't want to happen to people I care about. This has convinced me that I do care about people and that I have sympathy and empathy and I don't want this to happen to anybody else if I can help it. Now after it's all said and done, there is a sense of relief in the family. Finally I can goto school and not worry about comming home to ambulances and phone calls with crying voices on them. I guess I can continue leading my life like it should be lead now, not having that shadow hang over my head will be a big help.
Hrm... I'm trying to think of what else to write, been to the beach a few times the past couple days. The water is getting warmer, which allows one to enter into it without his balls becomming the size of raisins. Gotten a bit of color I guess, that's never happened before too often.
School is almost over, that's bittersweet though. I have alot of loose ends to pick up in English class, including a research project and a portfolio. The Research project counts for 1/3rd of my grade and the portfolio replaces my final test. Also there are so many people I'd like to get to know better, and school is almost over so my time is running short. Haley has many plans over the summer I'm sure so I'll probably be relying on Ohioans, job and family to keep me entertained.
Question of the day, What defines a friend? and what is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? How do you know when the 2nd party conciders you of the the two?

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be


I believe the Beatles said it the best...

Today.... is Sunday... and I can already feel the carple tunnel setting in... FIN

Whelp, tomarrow is Friday, thank god. The week has been pretty easy going and such, I guess I'm getting slack... This weekend promises to be a good one, depending on how my g-ma is doing. Already have a couple little things planned. Money may be a problem, but whatever. I have several things in english I need to wrap up, I'm afraid of what my grade might be if I dont handle these assignments quickly. I'll post later, not really in the mood to write right now.

Ok people, post number 2, this is important though... I hate TV companies... they can kiss my fat white ass.... you know those little cable cords... the older ones that you have to screw in?! Those things are bullshit, one just cut my finger trying to screw the damn thing in.... damn it to hell... Fin

Aight, it's Sunday... yea I betcha figured that one out... I wish I could say this was the best weekend ever, but then I would be a liar. Gma is basically on her death bed, very very bad this time. She doesn't even have enough energy to turn over to look at somebody. It is possibally one of the saddest things I've ever seen before, somebody that a year ago was so full of life and energy reduced down to a barely living human. I guess in the end, everything will work out, I'm sure most things do. A year ago, when I found out about moving here I was pissed, pissed to the point where I concidered killing my mom, hiding the body and collecting the life insurence... Fortunately I didn't. No matter how I look at it, it has been for the better. I am noticing things in life I didn't even take a 2nd look at before, and meeting people I would'nt have even talked to in Salem. Anyhoo, these damn eraserless pencils are pissing me off.... Why the hell would anybody make a pencil without a fucking eraser? Wrote a song this weekend, recorded it, added a little sumthin sumthin and it sounds pretty cool.... problem is I need lyrics for it... I guess those will come as time marches along. Fin

Whelp, Monday is over with and I'm sitting here listening to the "Punisher" soundtrack, it's pretty decent. Day went well now that everything is said and done, some people today were acting a little weird, but I guess people do that sometimes. Ahhh yes, the week to come should be an interesting one, I hope so anyways. Question... which is better... .07 or .05 lead? Still haven't come up with an answer to that. OK another question, why the hell do pencil companies sell pencils w/out erasers? fucking duh... those have got to be the dumbest people, course I got the pencils at a dollar store... but that's beside the point... pencils are better because they have ERASERS... I'm going to write hate mail to... Silver Tube pencils for being such dumbasses. I have also came up with a theory, if any country should invade us... they wouldn't have a chance... as soon as they started rationing food... all of Americas fatasses would rebel and kick them the hell outta here... so have no fear, I am protecting my country. Anyhoo... what was I talking about? I guess I'm digressing... oh yea, this week being interesting, well hoping it is anyways. Boring days are well... crappy. So I try to make my days not boring... which usually fails and becomes more of a chore then anything... This weekend I may go up to the Norfolk area for open mic night... I need some help writing jokes so if anybody has any suggestions please feel free to e-mail me @ BegeBoy87@hotmail.com also include a picture and a short description of what you would like to do in bed... here we go again I gotta stop that... ok back on topic... interesting week? wait damn I moved onto the stand up thing... well shit... I guess I'm dumb or sumthin... FIN

Whelp peoples, its been a long time since my last post, over a month I believe. Much has happened since then including the movie script being finished, the play being finished, spring break and school is starting to wrap down into the next 7 weeks. I'll talk about the 1st thing, the script has now been finished and is in version 1.0, basically meaning there is some stuff I still wanna edit and such. It is offically 45 pages long. Haley and I have casted the movie and hopefully will start filming soon, I seriously doubt it though, there is alot of other things going on right now, we may have to make this a summer project. As for this summer, I don't know if I want to be in Salem and work or down here, I guess there are a few things that could sway my decision, chances are I will stay down here though, I will visit Salem I'm sure a few times though. Over the last month or so alot of things have been changing, my grandmother has had a change for the worse, she can barely sit up now and is slowly fading away. The whole situation is sad, I just can't imagine being that way, so weak and lifeless that you loose all hope. If my life would ever come to that, please somebody kill me. It's sad that she has lost hope though, although it is understandable, there isn't much hope for her anymore, she'll prolly be dead before June. Also I have changed a bit, for the better? maybe... well the change was long in comming since I moved down here. I have realized that everybody should be accepted, if they want to be. I guess being a nice guy is good sometimes, living down here you realize that people are different and you really can't change that, then you eventually enjoy peoples differences. I guess it's a form of liberation, maybe even enlightenment? I have a confession to make, I have done pot a couple times in the last month, am I proud of myself? No. Do I think that it is degrading to my character? No. I guess I lucked out in the past year with everything that's been going on that I only have done pot and haven't attempted suicide or anything. I don't plan on doing it constently, I know too many people that do and I have noticed changes in them, it's not a good thing. Down here, unlike Salem, you have alot of aquantences and few true friends, maybe 5 at the most. I learned this on my own, also with some help from H. Now that Haley has been brought up, I still have confused feelings about this person. As I take a back seat and watch her life play out in front of me, I get more and more confused. I guess I do have alot of empathy and sympathy, but I can't figure her out yet. To say that I know exackly what she is going though I would be lying, but then again to say I know nothing about what she is feeling I would be lying. I guess we all go through a point in our lives where we have several things to chose from, all of which will change the rest of our lives. Some people rely on intuition, intelligence or maybe even dumb luck to choose, I belive it should be from the gut, but I don't believe the choice should be impulsive, I think you should wade into it like cold water, slowly getting used to it. I haven't done any art work in some time, I think I should get back into the habbit, it is very relaxing. Time alone... we all need it, some of us enjoy it others hate it. It has become a double edged sword for me. I find that I love being around people I can have fun and relax with, I hate not being able to be myself. On the other hand, I love being alone because I don't have to worry about being funny although I always want to be with people when I'm alone.... It's confusing once again... I guess that's what being a teenager is about, confusion. This time right now in my life I know has the potental to shape my person forever, that's why every decision I make is thought out. This is also the best time of our lives, being 16,17,18... you have to make sure you try everything and have fun, don't miss out.

TGIF, Friday is by far the best day of the week. I actually have some decent plans for this weekend, tomarrow Battle of the Bands, Sunday hanging with Haley. Oh yea, I also have practice tomarrow, which kindda sucks but oh well. I walked up to a girl on the corner one day and she said, "BJ for 20 bucks" I couldn't figure out if she was a pimp or a whore.... anyhoo the weather has been pretty nice down here. The play seems to be comming along... although it is a musical... and the singing sucks for the most part, but it is pretty funny. Salem got a new student recently by the name of Erica, I'm anxious to meet her... mwarr... I'll have a longer post tomarrow, not in the mood for typing right now.

Well, its been a while since my last post... Sorry bout that. Anyways not much has happened since my last post, life has become boring, so I guess I gotta get up and search the world for adventure!.... Erm... who am I kidding? that's the corniest damn saying I ever... As I was saying... boring yes...well Sundays are cool, Saturdays are relaxing and Fridays, well Fridays are Fridays. Man I have one hellava headache right now... Salems spring break is next week, I guess that's ok, I'll be in school though... In a couple weeks, if everything works out Haley and myself will be paying good ole' Ohio a visit, which will be interesting to say the least. Problem is.... there isn't much to do in Salem, so I guess we will have to find other ways to entertain us...(Get ur mind outta the gutter) I've hit a bit of rough water on the script... which sucks because we are getting down to crunch time now, and I gotta push myself to get that damn thing done. Fin

Friday is upon us... The best day of the week is finally here... We shall divide and conquer, war is hell... Ok now I'm being a little dramatic. Anyhoo over all the week has been pretty fair. Not alot of details on the week so far, nothing much has happened.

Well, I'm back. It's storming right now in Kill Devil Hills, I was just outside sittin in my chair watching it. I have come to some what of a conclusion. I think I could fall in love with Haley. I still haven't been able to put into words what I feel, but I think eventually it may come. The reason why it is so weird to me is because "love" in my opinion is a very very sacred word, I haven't said it to anybody outside of my family. The reason why I don't hesitate now is because I believe that it is possible for me to love this incredible human being. Now I'm just getting all mushy and stuff and usually I'm not like this but I guess I'm in the mood for it now. Well now that I have my bearings I can log out. Remember everybody Carpe Diem.

Well today is Sunday as you know. Weekends was pretty good for the most part, did alot of things to please myself finally. Well I just have so much to say but can't put it into words. There are 2 amazing people in my life right now, John See and Haley Mahoney. I can't really discribe in words the way I feel about these people. John I've know for 4 years almost and already I can tell he is one of those few people that you will know your whole life. I know if I ever needed anything that John would be the 1st person to help out. John is a great friend, I couldn't ask for anybody more loyal or understanding as him. God I hate these corny and emotional moments but damn I love that kid. John is my man. Haley is a different story. I've lived down here for 8 months now, and Well its just so hard to express what I feel, it makes me frustrated because I am usually so good with words and articulate... I've know her for 4 months, and in those 4 months I care about her as much as I do John. I don't think I've gotten as close with anybody in 4 months as I have her. As I am sitting here typing I am getting a pep talk from Tabitha about some things. Anyhoo I'm just at a total loss for words. I'll post again when I get my head on straight.

Whelp, weekend is almost here, just one more day of school. It seems lately that I've just been going through the motions and not trying very hard...is that a bad thing? Anyhoo unlike last weekend, I'll prolly be having fun. Sittin here listen to some Hootie... that guy knew what was going on man, he had everything figured out. Spring break is quickly approuching... this means I may be going back up to Ohio for a few days... I'm sure people will be thrilled, I know I will be. Unfortunatly the spring breaks fall on different weeks, so I think some grades will be dropping while I'm up. Anyhoo I've been reading into this whole "astrology" thing lately... and frankly it scares me. These people that write this stuff know more about me then my closest friends. It makes you wonder why they don't plan world domination... I mean if I knew everybody inside and out... why not? Apperently I am a typical Gemini, which in my opinion isn't a bad thing really. Gemini are talkative, see 2 sides to every problem and have a quick wit.... We are just awesome, I know Jake agrees...

Hrm... isn't it interesting how the world works? It seems to me, that everytime something seems to be going well somebody throws a stick in my spokes and beats the hell outta me. Over the past year I have figured out how my life works, as soon as I get something I want, it gets taken away. Things work like that I guess. I mean, I could have it worse, I'm just glad I have a good support group around me, mostly friends though, the family is a buncha weirdos. People sometimes look to a higher being for help, God or Bhudda whatever you believe. I believe instead of asking somebody else, why not look inside yourself to figure out what the problem is and solve it. I'm not a strong believer in religion or the divine, I do believe in spirituality though. I tend to be one of the people that look at the glass as, half full. Optimism is the best way to get through life and take full advantage of it. Try to find a little bit of good in everything. Even though the good doesn't seem obvious at the time, I promise something good will happen because of it, it almost always does. People hate taxes, hell everybody does. Taxes are bad, they take money away, but the good thing is that you also get a return, usually a pretty large amount and it's good because you would've spent the money on stupid things before. Returns are an incentive for doing your taxes. As I sit here and watch the sun set, I can't help but wonder; what is there after death? do people really see the whole truth to anything? Maybe people worry too much about trivial things and need to focus on what is really important. Highschool is full of drama, boyfriends and cheating... all these things we need to learn how to just blow off, c'mon people your life isnt going to end because of boy/girl problems... wake the fuck up, I mean jesus christ get over it. People need to worry about where their next meal is coming from, and worry about their kids being bullied at school. This is quickly turning into my longest post.... sorry bout that. Anyhoo people treasure material things, clothes, toys, whatever... people need to treasure freedom, and the fact that you are mentally capable of understanding complex things and that you can communicate your thoughts. I believe if there is any religion that has it right... its Buddhism....

Whelp, it's the end of the weekend... Thank God... this weekend was kindda blah all togther. I guess that just happens some times. Anyhoo wrote 5 more scenes in the movie script, it's comming along nicely. I have my 1st rehearsal for the musical this week, hopefully that'll go well. Question of the Day: Why is it so important to people to fit in? Sittin here watching the academy awards... pretty exciting. Hrm... what does it mean to be a Gemini? I sat down on friday, and read about gemini's and... I almost fit the discription exackly, which could be a good or bad thing, I haven't decided yet. Whelp I'm not feeling very philosophical right now... sowwy. *shrugs* o well.

Question of the day: Was time discovered or invented? That will keep ya thinking for a while... Anyways it's raining and cold outside. Hopefully the weather tomarrow and this weekend will be a bit better. I'm sitting here trying to find an American author to do my research project on, I finally decided on Mark Twaine... He reminds me alot of myself and I want to read Huckleberry Fin, could be fun... Going to go see "50 First Dates" some time, looks pretty funny. I think I'm going to get back into drawing on a regular basis, I kindda miss sitting down and drawing whatever comes to mind, it's very good thearapy. I think I finally know what I want to do, major in theatre and minor in education. I'll try to do the whole acting thing for a while, if it doesn't work out... then become a theatre teacher at a school some place, hopefully highschool maybe even in Salem. Although I am very upset with the casting situation for the play I'm at the point now where, I'm just glad I'm in it. I don't think I could go a school year without doing a musical, it would be very bad. I told somebody something last night, that I should'nt have, but I guess we'll see what happens. *shrugs*

Sup peoples? Shweet <--- my new word. Anyways just sitting here typing up some more script *sighs* it's a long process. Ok here's the deal im 1/4 of the way done lol it sucks I know. Well I am feeling a little bit better about the Usher part in the play... well its not a part or in the play but whatever. I convinced Haley to stay in the play also, which is a good thing. She made the ensemble which is pretty cool I guess. Not much happened today unfortunatly, got home wrote some more blah blah blah... Haley got a car *dances* Anyhoo I'm bored as hell and nuffin much is going on so this is the end of my story...

Uhm.... well long day today to say the least. The cast list was posted at 3:15 and I was a bit dissapointed (pissed). I have received the excellent role of usher... boy howdy I'm so glad...

Whelp, been an interesting week. Believe it or not some hopes were renewed. Also auditions for the musical down here and such. My auditions were great in my opinion. Hopefully I get a decent part. Had school on Saturday this week, which sucked. Didn't do much on Saturday. Sunday I spent a lot of time with Haley. I enjoyed it, watched a couple movies and talked a bit. I learned some things about her, that answered some questions I was having. Anyways, I haven't told many people my philosophy on life... Many have heard my quote, they haven't heard me talk about it though. Basically do as much stupid stuff as you can while you're young (under the age of 12). After a point you worry about what could happen, and you memorize statistics. Little kids shouldn't be afraid of anything, it's child abuse in my opinion if you make your child scared of everything that moves. Anyhoo there are only a couple people I consider friends down here, 2 out of the 3 I really don't wish to know any better then I do, they don't seem like very loyal people to me, in the long run I know I can rely on a few people up north and 1 down here, but I won't mention any names yet. I do consider John my best friend and always will be, I know whenever I call (even at 11 at night after he's gone to bed) he'll come running. Same thing goes for Don and Jake.... well... not so much Jake.... (no offence). Point being that you only meet 7 really good friends in a life time, 3 or 4 come from highschool. By the time you are 50 4 of those friends will be dead, so spend as much time with them as you can, while you can spend it. "Time why do you punish me? Like a wave crashing into the shore, you wash away my dreams" Since moving down here, I have been...."Enlightened" you could say...

Almost a week since my last post.... sorry bout that I've had many requests to update. Well somebody asked me today, "do u wish every day was like this?". I had to tell the truth and say no. Why? yes its a great day, but if everyday was great then life would become boring. The long boring days and the sad days are what show off yourself not the great days. It is interesting to see how people act on great, boring and sad days. Auditioned for the musical, went great. I don't know if I have a part yet though. Anyhoo its been a pretty laid back week so far. Gonna post tomarrow and sat. also

Ahhh yes, Valentines day, the one day of the year where every guy has an excuse to get laid. But imma dork and didnt use it cuz im stupid. Anyways short Post

Ahhh yes Tuesday, the most forgotten day of the week. Uhm... not much had happened and that's kindda sad I guess. Sitting here typing the script for the next bestests horror movie ever created. Anyways changing the subject, the sky here lately has been gray I dunno why I notice so much but it is interesting. Time... Why you punish me? to quote some Hootie... Valentines day is a few days away and I think I'm going to get a few people some things, but isnt it kindda weird for guys to get guys things? Not sure so I'm not going there... I already have a reputation down here for being a little flamboyant.

Heyas peeps, whats happenin? Whelp pretty decent weekend for me, needless to say the next one is 5 days away. Anyhoo, what went on this weekend? same old same old. Same shit different day. Today was fun though. Created a work of art with Haley, played some games with Brain, got home and talked to John... all in all a good day. See ya lataz

Yesterday was Friday, and it was a good Friday. Of course school pretty much sucked, but after school was pretty cool. Went over to Haley's bout 6 and stayed there until 10, hung out, wrote some script, played some games and, met new peoples. Got home, relaxed for about an hour took some drugs and went to bed. A new section in my Blog is going to be my progress in FF7. I started playing it again for the 7th time about 3 weeks ago. Right now I just got onto the 2nd disk and I'm in the snowy mountains. *Boogies* Anyhoo I still can't get over Aries death... It just sucks. Sunday going over to Brians and playing some Dnd then chillaxin the rest of the weekend.

Whelp, tomarrow is Friday... also known as the last day of the school week...also known as holy crap I can't wait till its over day... Anyhoo, today wasn't different from any other day of the week. I suppose that's what being in high school is about. I guess some day I'll look back on this whole thing called schooling and laugh at it, by the time I have kids all the current teaching methods will be concidered barbaric and some of the same teachers I had, he/she will have also. Kindda Scary huh? Yupeprs, life sucks get a helmet. Started typing the movie script tonight, this is hard stuff dood. Basically I need to type 1-2 hours of script... it bites. I am open for suggestions though, always did like those.

Whelp it's been almost a month since my last post. Anyhoo a lot has happened in the last month, first of all I have come to realize what is important in life. The important things don't really show their heads until you loose them. In the last 8 months I have figured out what life is all about, it's not about material items or even things you wish you had. Life is not about screwing people over, or sitting at a computer writing in a journal. Life is about the people around you and becoming what you want to become. People take things for granted. I guess living down here really makes you think harder about what the big plan is.
Anyways in the last few weeks I have gotten to know a few people better. Spent a lot of time with a few people recently. These few people you really begin to appreciate because being new just plain sucks. I think I have begun to make a name for myself at Manteo high school though. Maybe I don't have the same kind of friends as I did in Salem, or even have the same reputation but I believe being down here has made me a better person. I always used to be a nice guy, but I think now that I'm here I have evolved into an over all nicer person.
The next few months are going to be very interesting to say the least. I am starting a new project, a full length horror film. Haley and I have decided to take this task very seriously and are excited about doing it. I am writing the script and she is doing the camera work. I also have one bad ass Dnd campaign starting, it is prolly my best one yet.
Live long and Prosper.

Aight I suppose this being my first post, you guys are going to expect something interesting and funny... Sorry to disappoint you but yea, that's not gonna happen. Whelp, spellcheck is going nuts already trying to keep up with my internet lingo, mwarr! Anyhoo I guess I should explain a bit about myself. I am 16 years old and I think a guy (still up for debate) and I just moved to a place known as, the Outer Banks of North Carolina, maybe you've heard of it? Moving along, I moved here about 6 months ago and needless to say moving to a new place so far away from your roots while in high school sucks. I grew up in small town Ohio, also known as Salem. Salem is the stereotypical small town, everybody knows everybody and, you have to watch who you have sex with, because you might just be related... Salem was and still is a great place to grow up, although a bit sheltered from the real world and a bit behind the times, Salem allowed everybody to be a little bit innocent and a little bit rebel at the same time. Now, I live in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. Quite possibly the 2nd most boring place in the world. People ask, "Why don't you go to the beach?" here is my answer... Because the beach gets boring after you go there every day for weeks, basically nothing changes. The same water washes up dead things day after day, and the same hotties do their morning jog everyday at the same time.... Nough said I'm tired of typing... Mwarr!